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The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
I have Beer.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol