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I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me