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WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.