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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.