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Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree