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If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.