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My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
More people should be at a loss for words.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.