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I don`t care about your status...
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?