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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.