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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.