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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Just another day of not being rich and famous.