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Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake