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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...