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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!