Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.