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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"