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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!