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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?