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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.