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I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you