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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…