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I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.