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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”