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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.