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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
take me drunk i`m home
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?