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great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.