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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I forgot to post this earlier
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.