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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.