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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know