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Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.