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If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Attention fuels immaturity
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
hilarious