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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
I fake my LOLs
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally