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I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.