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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...