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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?