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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.