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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Dear Santa, I was framed!
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.