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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Sex, do it for the kids.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…