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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.