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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball