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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
My internet goes out more than I do.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.