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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....