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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
This headache feels like dumb people
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work