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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.