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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I have off-road rage, too
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.