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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"