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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.