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If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.