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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.