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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.