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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"