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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.