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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.