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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Word for the day is asstard
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson