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It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
The problem with diets is pizza.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
The songs I like always come on when Iām supposed to be getting out of my car.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
How Big is Infinity?
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.