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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
In space they just call it "Jam"
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”