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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.