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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.