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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
I`ve given up on giving up.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.