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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.