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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Iām offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.