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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.