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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.