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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?