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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!