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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?