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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
exercise........you mean extra fries
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.