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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.