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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.