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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.