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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness