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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.