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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.