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You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.