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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.