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I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me