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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I was born at a very early age.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.