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If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D