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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.