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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.