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If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Reincarnation is my only hope.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.