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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.