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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.