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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car