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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?