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My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do