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We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?