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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?