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If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)