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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I give myself the best presents.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.