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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
Haters gonna hate, your honor
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.