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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel