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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.