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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.