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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole