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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.