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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.