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Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Take my advice, Iām not going to use it.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "