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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.