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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.