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No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.