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And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.