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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Does running out of money count as exercise?