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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.