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I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...