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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.