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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
It’s a status….not your diary…
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......