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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.