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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.