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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Hard butter is the devil.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....