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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.