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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Do you really have to breath that much?
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Iām totally fine with favoritism as long as Iām the favorite.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached