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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)